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Up Topic General / Letters and Opinions / It's the Humpday Dailies!
- - By brneydrnnr (barney cougar) [us] Date 2018-08-01 7:57 AM
It's August - I'm back from Iowa and done biking for a hot minute! What's everyone doing today and did you miss me?!? : pbbt:

4.00 miles for benji and me this morning - we saw 16 walkers, 2 runners and 5 dogs. and I picked up 1 shiny penny. :cool:

last week I had 454 miles on the bike - may or may not pick the bike commuting back up next week. my butt needs a break :blush:
Parent - - By old turtle Date 2018-08-01 8:20 AM
"my butt needs a break"  I can't imagine why. :laugh:
Welcome back. SDO for me so I'm just here seeing what the energetic people are doing. Nice 4 miles with the pup, BTW.
Parent - By PoopedColt Date 2018-08-01 12:47 PM
:laugh: If I said that phrase at work, I wouldn't hear the end of it until I retired!
Parent - - By cowboyjunkie Date 2018-08-01 9:45 AM
How was the trip?
Parent - - By brneydrnnr (barney cougar) [us] Date 2018-08-01 10:21 AM
it was great! my ride was a smidge better than mrbarney's because he didn't really have the training miles that he needed, especially since he was pulling the 10yo. I thought he might quit after the 70 miles on Monday. but N took a few days off to sag, and that gave mrbarney's legs some rest and he soldiered through. The other two boys did well w/ riding on their own (they were supposed to stay together if they weren't with us, but the 14yo only has lollygagging gear, and the 12 yo is apparently training for the Tour). They followed instructions and signed their names/ times in chalk at each of the specified locations and it worked out perfectly.  They spent their daily $20 on food, but neither of them took advantage of the $100 pre-paid visas that we gave them for souvenirs along the way, so one of them got to buy us dinner on Saturday and the other lunch on Sunday.  : pbbt:
Parent - By cowboyjunkie Date 2018-08-01 10:26 AM
That sounds really nice :happy:
Parent - By blazer85 [us] Date 2018-08-01 11:13 AM
:hug:
Parent - By Beastie Girl [us] Date 2018-08-01 12:04 PM
What a fun week! :hug:
Parent - By old turtle Date 2018-08-01 12:22 PM
Great family time!
Parent - By PoopedColt Date 2018-08-01 12:46 PM
That sounds like such a nice time! I like the chalk idea!
Parent - By SRoo Date 2018-08-01 2:01 PM
:cool:
Parent - By NotSoFast [ca] Date 2018-08-02 7:49 AM
That is just so awesome your kids were able to go and not whine the entire time (at least you couldnt hear them...) no really its awesome. I don't think my son would want to drive that much less ride his bike (but who knows when he gets older?) :hug::hug::hug:
Parent - - By george [us] Date 2018-08-01 11:27 AM
7.7 "easy" miles with my fast coworker this morning. We were supposed to do a workout but the heat and humidity have been taking their toll on us lately and neither of us wanted to do anything fast. Did an hour of vinyasa yoga at lunch too.
Parent - - By PoopedColt Date 2018-08-01 12:45 PM
As fast as you are, I'd hate to see a fast co-worker! Do you go to a class for your yoga or on your own?
Parent - By george [us] Date 2018-08-01 12:48 PM
He was a national-level D3 runner back in the day, so I have to be in pretty damn good shape to even keep up with him!

I take a class at the fitness center at work every Wednesday at noon. It is wonderful!
Parent - By Beastie Girl [us] Date 2018-08-01 12:02 PM
Welcome back! :grin: Nice bike mileage! :cool::cool:
Parent - - By SRoo Date 2018-08-01 1:53 PM
I'm jealous of your bike mileage.  Will there be a trip report?
Parent - - By brneydrnnr (barney cougar) [us] Date 2018-08-01 2:22 PM
oh - I hadn't even thought of that, but I guess I could put something together :happy:
Parent - By NotSoFast [ca] Date 2018-08-02 7:50 AM
Yes Please!
Parent - By donnasaur [us] Date 2018-08-01 2:03 PM
that is an amazing week of riding. Welcome back!
- - By Mookiethedog Date 2018-08-01 8:22 AM
16km with Molly :hug:

Missed you :hug:
Parent - By brneydrnnr (barney cougar) [us] Date 2018-08-01 10:21 AM
Molly :hug:
- - By Tim [us] Date 2018-08-01 9:02 AM
Glad you’re back! That’s a lot of bike miles in one week:cool:. Was it an event?

No workout this morning as I needed to sleep in. Explanation below.

I'd like to crowdsource some parenting advice here.

So last night after I'd gone to sleep, my son (age 16) took the car to drive over to his friend's house, without my knowledge or permission. He's a good driver and wasn't speeding, drinking, or anything of the sort. His two mistakes - first, he shouldn't have been driving as he only has his permit; second, he forgot to turn the headlights on, and that's why he got pulled over by a police officer. The end result is that I got a late night call and had to come down there to get him. The police officer used his discretion and was quite lenient with my son, letting him go with no written or electronic record of anything. I chatted with the officer for a while when I got down there. He had a bunch of complimentary things to say about my son, starting with the fact that he was generally driving responsibly - not speeding, no evidence of drugs or alcohol, was polite and courteous when he got pulled over, immediately admitted he doesn't have his license yet, etc. The police officer also mentioned that my son was absolutely terrified. I had a chat with my son during the car ride home, asking him what happened other than making a very bad decision, reminding him of how lucky he was that he got a very lenient police officer, telling him the consequences could have been much more severe if he'd gotten a "by the book" police officer, etc. Before I even started talking to him he apologized to me several times, and it was genuine.

I think getting pulled over, possibly having to pay a fine of $500, possibly losing his license before he even gets it, having to call me and wake me up in the middle of the night, put enough fear in him that he won't make a stupid mistake like this again. And while he made a stupid mistake, it wasn't as severe as drunk driving, or trying to drive away from the police, or any number of "more stupid" things he could have done. And that makes me lean towards not adding any further consequences onto this. So...opinions, advice?

Epilogue/dark humor: After we got home, I took an Uber back to where he got pulled over, since my other car was still there. When the Uber dropped me off, I was alone on a quiet summer night. In my exhausted state, I quietly said "Fuck you" into the sky - to my late wife for leaving me to deal with shit like this as a solo parent.
Parent - - By PoopedColt Date 2018-08-01 9:32 AM
Tough one and a lot depends on the kid/parent.  I (we) monitor my (our) kids far less than many.  We’ve had many conversations about it, saying that I understand privacy.  They are good kids.  As long as they don’t get in trouble, have good grades, and seem generally happy, then we will let them be.  But, we do this because we TRUST them.  DO NOT do anything to breach that trust, or everything will change.  Something like this for us would be a HUGE breach of trust.

Does your son have $500?  If so, I’d take it in a heartbeat. That’s what he would have had to pay if caught.  With the $$$, I would either set it aside with the promise he could get it back after graduation if he didn’t screw up again, or maybe point it was going to help cover the increase in insurance that he will be costing you once he gets his license.  If he doesn’t have the $$$ but does have some kind of job, I’d garnish the wages – and again, most likely with the promise that he could get it back after graduation if he didn’t screw up again.

Just curious.  When can he get his license?  Is he old enough and just hasn’t taken the test?  Or is he too young and still needs more education?  In VA, you have to be 16 and 3 months minimum.  The earliest is 9 months after you get your permit, which is at 15 years 6 months.  Seems weird to me and makes turning 16 a bit anti-climatic. : pbbt:

P.S.  But the one thing we do monitor is the Find my phone app.  I like to use it because it helps me have dinner ready for them when they get home from various things…  Or knowing if I want to stay up to wait for them coming back from some activity or not.  But I think it helps keep them in line to know that I might be checking up on them or not :evil:

Edit - at the very least he should pay you the cost of the Uber ride and possibly for your time taking care of The situation.
Parent - - By Tim [us] Date 2018-08-01 10:09 AM
Thank you! Lots of useful information and suggestions / ideas in here to mull over. I tend to operate on trust as well. My late wife leaned a bit more towards rules and structure. But for better or worse, I’m in charge now, and as a solo parent of 3 teens I don’t have the time, energy, or desire to do rules and structure. So far operating on trust has worked fairly well. This situation presents a challenge though.

In MA, you can get your permit at 16, and then take the road test once you’ve had the permit for 6 months and completed other requirements on # of hours behind the wheel. So 16.5 is the theoretical earliest you can get a license. He’ll be 16.5 in just a couple of days, and he got the permit about 2 weeks after his 16th birthday, so he’s eligible to take the road test in a few weeks.
Parent - - By PoopedColt Date 2018-08-01 12:40 PM Edited 2018-08-01 12:43 PM
Fortunately, VA takes care of a lot of rules with the restrictions now. The first few years I worked here, every single person in my office had a teenager relative or a close friend of their kid involved in a fatal crash.  Now, there are curfews and restrictions to the number of kids allowed in the car. We make them adhere to that.
Parent - By Tim [us] Date 2018-08-01 2:32 PM
I think most states have done something similar. In MA, for the first 6 months or until you turn 18 (whichever comes first), you can’t drive between midnight and 5:00 a.m. and the only passengers under 18 you’re allowed to have are your siblings. I absolutely will make him follow that.
Parent - By cowboyjunkie Date 2018-08-01 9:50 AM
Hmmmm.. I think Pooped Colt had some good advice. Not a parent so I dunno..
Parent - By nooner [us] Date 2018-08-01 10:02 AM
So lucky that nothing worse happened. A long time ago, my younger brother did a similar thing but almost totaled my mom’s new car. He spent the next few years working to pay off the repairs.

I would add some sort of penalty so that he doesn’t get off scott-free. Hit him where it hurts him (and you’ll know better than us what that is). If it is $$$$, set it aside to pay for his insurance when he does get his license. Or you wait until he does have his license and impose a waiting period where he can’t use it.
Parent - - By brneydrnnr (barney cougar) [us] Date 2018-08-01 10:25 AM
it was a lot of miles and I'm not in a hurry to repeat it! :laugh:  we were in Iowa for RAGBRAI (the register's great annual bike ride across iowa) it was my 13th, mrbarney's 3rd and the boys 2nd. we might move up to a tandem for the two of us next year just to see how it goes since all the boys will be on their own bikes finally.

Glad your son didn't get a ticket or into an accident, but I still agree with PC that there need to be some sort of consequences from you. I'd probably push his license getting back by a month.

also :hug:
Parent - - By old turtle Date 2018-08-01 12:24 PM
I was going to suggest putting the license getting off by a month. For a teenager that can be an eternity.
Parent - - By PoopedColt Date 2018-08-01 12:30 PM
It can also be an eternity for the parents! :laugh: for us, getting a license was more of a benefit to me/DH vs the kid.
Parent - By Tim [us] Date 2018-08-01 1:54 PM
Yeah, that would actually hurt me more than him, since my older daughter just moved out - literally yesterday.
Parent - - By Beastie Girl [us] Date 2018-08-01 12:44 PM
oh that's a good idea, putting it off a month!
Parent - By Tim [us] Date 2018-08-01 2:29 PM
I think a $ fine or taking away his phone would be more effective
Parent - By blazer85 [us] Date 2018-08-01 11:22 AM
I would ground him for a week, no X-Box (or whatever  he plays), assign him two books to read, and have him mow the lawns of at least three neighbors.  Some “punishment”, some self-development (reading) and some service to others. While he recognizes what he did was wrong and is likely truly sorry, they appreciate you care enough to fairly punish.
Parent - - By Beastie Girl [us] Date 2018-08-01 12:07 PM
Love the advice from PC and blazer. :hug:
Parent - By Tim [us] Date 2018-08-01 2:27 PM
:hug:
Parent - - By SRoo Date 2018-08-01 1:50 PM
Your son is not a good driver.  He took your car without permission.  He drove a car without a valid license.  He drove a vehicle in the dark without headlights.

I think there should be some consequences for this behavior beyond being caught by the police.  You say that you do not have the time, energy, or desire for rules and structure.  That may be true, but you need to parent your children.  If you believe that what he did was wrong, then you need to tell him that and explain why.  The specific remediation is your choice; I think there have been several good suggestions but it should be specific to your son.
Parent - - By Tim [us] Date 2018-08-01 2:27 PM
OK, you got under my skin with the way you worded that. I’m sure it was meant with good intentions. But...

”...you need to parent your children”

Are you implying that I’m not? That I haven’t over the past 19 years?

Anyone who knows me reasonably well knows that I value nothing more than launching my kids into the world ready to grow into responsible adults. I’ve put an enormous effort into this, many of those years under trying circumstances - specifically, while dealing with my late wife’s mental illness issues for 6+ years and for the past 2.5 years as a solo parent following her suicide. For you to imply that I’m NOT parenting my kids? (And I haven’t even decided what I’m going to do yet in this specific situation - I posted here to seek out ideas and advice and I think there’s a lot of good stuff up above). That is a deep insult. Sorry to call you out on this, but like I said it got under my skin.
Parent - - By SRoo Date 2018-08-01 2:55 PM
I think your phrasing got under my skin because it was almost exactly what my brother-in-law said after his wife died.  And he did stop parenting and tried to be a pal. I read your post under that lens, and I wrote what I wish I had told him.  I have been thinking about your original post since I wrote mine.  I am not implying that you are not parenting now or that you have not been in the past.  That was meant to be encouragement to continue to parent, even when it is hard and unrewarding.

You said you operate on trust.  OK.  But that trust was broken.  So what now?   Maybe the talk you had was enough.  I read your post as if you were unsure and were seeking advice.  That is what I tried to give.
Parent - - By Tim [us] Date 2018-08-01 3:15 PM
Thanks for the explanation and I appreciate the encouragement. You’re spot-on. If you operate on trust, and the trust gets broken, there need to be consequences to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

I’m certainly not trying to be a pal to my kids. But by necessity, I need to delegate more to them than I otherwise would, and they’ve had to grow up a little faster than they otherwise would. To give an example, I’m traveling to Chicago tomorrow to help my older one move in. My house will be unattended until I get back on Friday night around midnight. The original plan was for the other 2 kids to stay with their grandparents for a couple of nights. But my 13-year-old has a Friday “dance camp” she really wants to attend. She’ll stay over with a friend tomorrow night - she arranged the sleepover but I’ll verify with the parents. Friday night after she gets home from dance around 8:30, she’ll be alone at my house until I get home around midnight. I have to put a level of trust in her not to have friends over or do anything strange. She’s earned that trust by always being a super-responsible kid, but I still want to verify everything. I would prefer to be a bit tighter with the parental oversight, but that’s reality as a solo parent.
Parent - By NotSoFast [ca] Date 2018-08-02 8:00 AM
Just my understanding to you and my view, when Evan died last year, we really got very lenient with Gavin, we had neither the emotional energy to deal with things and we also needed him to feel he had a safe space to grieve. However...we do now realize he has gotten away with some bad behavior we can't just let go anymore (like complaining, whining, not doing chores..the usual pre-teen stuff most parents would not allow) - its not going to help him in life or us in the long run.  And he won't have a big brother at home this year when he gets off the bus for middle school, So I COMPLETELY understand how the situation arises where you may not be as strict as you would have been (or had a 2 parent system going) or you need the kids to grow up a bit faster.
Parent - By SRoo Date 2018-08-02 8:09 AM
Thanks for your response, Tim.  I'm still pondering what I would do if a similar case arises with my kiddo.  And I haven't figured it out yet.  Guess I'll be searching for this thread.  :happy:
Parent - - By donnasaur [us] Date 2018-08-01 2:05 PM
oh man Tim, I'm sorry. I think you have some great advice above so I won't add to it.

just giving you a big virtual hug:hug: And I'm glad your son is OK
Parent - By Tim [us] Date 2018-08-01 2:28 PM
:hug:
Parent - By NotSoFast [ca] Date 2018-08-02 7:54 AM
I think you have a really good son and he's just doing dumb kid stuff (like we did all the time..how the heck we are still alive is beyond me).

Maybe along with fine and license issue, some community service especially for a minority youth community? Because if he was of color I bet you he would not have gotten off so easy. Sad but true.

I'm sorry for your family loss.
- - By The Beard (is wearing Arm Panties) [us] Date 2018-08-01 9:06 AM
An hour on the SUP.
Parent - - By brneydrnnr (barney cougar) [us] Date 2018-08-01 10:08 AM
but how are your kitties? Oliver is still a jerk but Jake was super glad to have me back home (I'm his person)
Parent - By The Beard (is wearing Arm Panties) [us] Date 2018-08-01 10:24 AM
The cats are awesome.
- - By Ed [us] Date 2018-08-01 9:40 AM
Taught 6am spin class this morning & did core, hip & shoulder exercises afterwards.  Had a pretty good turnout in class for a traditionally big vacation week & very rainy morning.

Got a haircut (all of them : pbbt:  ) this morning.

You were gone?  :wink:    That's a LOT of bike miles!
Parent - By cowboyjunkie Date 2018-08-01 9:51 AM
Hi Ed!
Parent - By brneydrnnr (barney cougar) [us] Date 2018-08-01 10:26 AM
I know right, I didn't even get to lurk?!? :laugh::laugh:

high five on the good turnout for class
Parent - - By PoopedColt Date 2018-08-01 12:37 PM
How many do you usually have in a class?
Parent - By Ed [us] Date 2018-08-01 1:11 PM
It varies.  Monday was 4, today was 10, we have 24 bikes.  Summer #s are always lighter.  Since the shore is <90 minutes away, people with 2nd homes there often drive straight to work on summer Monday mornings.  The first few years we were open I was getting 12 - 18 for 6am class in non-summer months.  In the past 2 years the gym market around here became more saturated and while I don't have access to the stats, I'm sure the center's membership is down...considerably.
- - By PoopedColt Date 2018-08-01 9:52 AM
Last night I went to 90 min hot yoga.  It’s only my 3rd class since the knee.  I’m so paranoid since I tore it doing yoga, and I still can’t do things like… oh child’s pose!!! Nobody is symmetrical, but I’m not even in the same ballpark anymore.  I need to work on that, but I’m self conscious.  I told the instructor what was up and felt much better.  My 1st attempt back a couple of months ago, the instructor tried to reposition my bad leg and I almost hit him. :blush:  In any case, it was a great class.  A lot of stuff that I had to modify (i.e. “a comfortable seat”) but we did things like side crow (which I rock) and flying pigeon (which I just got down, but am not as good with sweaty feet vs a shoe!), and tried grasshopper for the first time.  That required WAY too much flexibility for this bod, but it was fun to try, and I wound up doing my own weird arm balance where I just held my legs out (and off the tricep) in some odd &  random fashion.

This morning – an easy run and lift. Last time doing the Bulk arms video and for the first time I got in all my reps on time for the isolated hammer curls.  You go 15-12-8 increasing the weights each set, but with literally NO rest.  Even with lighter than my usual weights it’s hard.  And then you repeat going 8-12-15 with no rest! I’m always falling behind, but did it today.  Yay for me. :cool:

Today is my 21st work anniversary – and also the day I got pregnant with DS1.  Do not recommend that for anyone!
Parent - - By brneydrnnr (barney cougar) [us] Date 2018-08-01 10:29 AM
glad you had a really good class - and nice job on your hammer curls!

Happy work anniversary, my 23rd was yesterday. :cool:
Parent - By PoopedColt Date 2018-08-01 12:36 PM
Happy anniversary! It's hard to believe it's been that long.
Parent - By Beastie Girl [us] Date 2018-08-01 12:13 PM
Good day all around! :hug: Happy anniversary!
Parent - By donnasaur [us] Date 2018-08-01 2:06 PM
that is a tough workout! Way to go.
- - By cowboyjunkie Date 2018-08-01 9:53 AM
Ran 7.5 last night. Maybe something similar tonight.. Storms about but maybe I will luck out after work..

Yes you were missed :hug:
Parent - By brneydrnnr (barney cougar) [us] Date 2018-08-01 10:27 AM
hope you get to run tonight - here at least, rain brings cooler temps, so there's always that.

:happy:
Parent - By PoopedColt Date 2018-08-01 12:35 PM
I hope the storms magically disappear after work!  Ours seem to have a knack for hitting 5 min before we have to leave.
- - By nooner [us] Date 2018-08-01 9:53 AM
8 miles before work.

It was overcast so fortunately the temperature really didn’t climb much during the run, but the humidity didn’t go down either so it was 100% the whole time. One of the day camps we use for a water stop during the summer wasn’t open the first time we went by but was when we came back a mile later. We only have one more week for them to be open and then we will have to use the outside water which is never quite as cold as the inside water.

Hamilton is coming to Charlottte this fall so as soon as I got into the office I hopped in line to buy tickects. There are *only* 76,000 people in line ahead of me.:roll:
Parent - By brneydrnnr (barney cougar) [us] Date 2018-08-01 10:28 AM
holy cow that's a lot of people. and a lot of humidity. nice miles!
it was only 73* here this morning, so I hope everyone appreciates me bringing the Iowa temps back to Dallas with me :laugh:
Parent - By PoopedColt Date 2018-08-01 12:33 PM
Lol. I hope most of those 76,000 suddenly lose internet access and you get in.:happy:
Parent - By donnasaur [us] Date 2018-08-01 2:07 PM
oh wow, that is a lot of people ahead of you for Hamilton tix!

You will laugh, we already have our tickets for April 2019--we have season tickets to the musical, so were able to buy them really early.
- - By Beastie Girl [us] Date 2018-08-01 12:04 PM
Yesterday I swam 1000 yards and ran 3 miles. I felt fast in the water even though I swam my same pace :wtf: and the run actually was faster than most of my recent runs.

Busy week at work here. :cry: Starting to think about my fall racing season which is a nice distraction from work craziness. :cool:
Parent - By PoopedColt Date 2018-08-01 12:32 PM
Swimming is weird. That's my motto. :blush: but yay for fast runs!

We need to average our workload. I hate having little to do and have to look busy. And what I have to do is just making me angry.
- - By BrookieCookie (Canadian Beaver) Date 2018-08-01 12:06 PM
Yeah I didn't do jack today but I need to vent for a sec because my kid has Hand Foot Mouth and it's the worst!:cry:
Parent - - By brneydrnnr (barney cougar) [us] Date 2018-08-01 12:10 PM
oh no! I'm sorry :sad: what's the treatment for that?
Parent - By BrookieCookie (Canadian Beaver) Date 2018-08-01 1:39 PM
There is none it's a virus and it can go for up to 10 days. :cry:
Parent - - By Beastie Girl [us] Date 2018-08-01 12:14 PM
A few of the NY Yankees have that too. Did he get it from them? : pbbt: Sorry he's dealing with that. :hug:
Parent - By BrookieCookie (Canadian Beaver) Date 2018-08-01 6:40 PM
Maybe hes been sneaking out at night?:wtf:
Parent - By cowboyjunkie Date 2018-08-01 12:16 PM
:cry::hug:
Parent - By donnasaur [us] Date 2018-08-01 2:07 PM
oh no, I'm sorry. HFM is the worst.
- By SRoo Date 2018-08-01 1:52 PM
45 minute swim.  I hoped to ride my bicycle today, but it is raining.  Again.  I'll lift this evening and put the doggo through some jumps and weaves.
- - By donnasaur [us] Date 2018-08-01 2:03 PM
6 miles today.

we got back from Maine on saturday night, it was a wonderful trip and I am so glad we missed one of the most miserable weeks this summer. Hiking, lobster, pie, boat rides. Just a great week. We went to Acadia two years ago and N's hiking ability has really come a long way. She did one 4.5 mile 'moderate' hike and a 1.25 mile 'hard' hike. I am pretty committed to visiting a national park and getting her hiking each summer working our way up to bigger trips. So far she seems to really like it.

anyway, today is fine. Back into the swing. I had an interview for a job today, it was actually a second phone interview. I am somewhat optimistic...it is a cool opportunity at a startup in the Bay Area, but I would be able to continue working from home. My current job is OK, I love my current boss, but this new opp would be interesting. It is a still very small-I've enjoyed working in that type of environment in the past, it is quite a contrast to my current giant company.
Parent - By Beastie Girl [us] Date 2018-08-01 3:27 PM
Your trip sounds awesome. :cool:

Your potential job opportunity sounds cool too! :cool:
Up Topic General / Letters and Opinions / It's the Humpday Dailies!

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