Not logged inRunango Running Forum
Forum Reset Last Read Help Search Register Login
Up Topic Communities / Women / Tired Tuesday NRR
- - By swandive [us] Date 2017-11-14 8:21 AM
Parent - - By swandive [us] Date 2017-11-14 8:26 AM
Guess who has two thumbs and has been up since 2am to take A to the ER. :grin::meh:  We got done there just in time to head across the street to her first doctor's appointment of the day.  She has another appointment this afternoon, so I don't know when I will actually get to lie down.
Parent - By Mickey [us] Date 2017-11-14 8:34 AM
You are a great sister.
Parent - - By Buggy [us] Date 2017-11-14 8:35 AM
:shocker!: Is she OK?

Hope you get some rest sometime today!
Parent - - By swandive [us] Date 2017-11-14 8:45 AM
Yeah, she had a clot in her port (which she needs for IV steroids and antibiotics), so she had to go to the ER to get meds to dissolve the clot.
Parent - By Zipper [us] Date 2017-11-14 9:50 AM
Glad they got the clot taken care of before it went into her system.
Parent - By tritri Date 2017-11-14 10:02 AM
Parent - - By spccer6 [us] Date 2017-11-14 10:48 AM
:hug::hug:  Anything I can do to help?
Parent - By swandive [us] Date 2017-11-14 1:35 PM
I don't think so, but thanks. :hug:  We're still up here at St. Joe's (second appointment of the day) then hopefully going back to A's then I can head home.
Parent - By classicsnerd [us] Date 2017-11-14 12:48 PM
:hug: you are a superstar.
Parent - By Arimathea [us] Date 2017-11-14 4:52 PM
Wow. That is a hellish schedule. Hope you can get some sleep.
Parent - - By Mickey [us] Date 2017-11-14 8:33 AM
Up half the night with a crying kid. OG is having trouble transitioning to the new school - she never really had "lots" of friends, usually 2 or 3 close friends only. She doesn't make friends quickly & doesn't trust kids again once they've done something to embarrass her. The new classmates haven't had 4 years to adjust to her quirks & eccentricities, and are laughing at her instead of simply ignoring it as they do with other 'weird' kids in the class.

And if one more parent tells me how great I have it because she's "so smart and schoolwork comes so easily," I may haul back and hit someone. Maybe I should counter that they have it easy because "teaching math to a 10 year old is trivial, but teaching them how to make friends with little jerks is next to impossible."
Parent - - By Buggy [us] Date 2017-11-14 8:35 AM

Nothing hurts worse than seeing our kids hurt. :sad:
Parent - By Mickey [us] Date 2017-11-14 10:59 AM
truth. :sad:
Parent - By swandive [us] Date 2017-11-14 8:47 AM
That's really hard. :sad: I was the weird kid who was never good at making friends.
Parent - By SRoo Date 2017-11-14 9:25 AM
:sad:  Buggy was spot on.
Parent - By Zipper [us] Date 2017-11-14 9:57 AM
Oh, that is so hard. :sad:
Parent - - By tritri Date 2017-11-14 10:01 AM
:hug::hug::sad:  Poor OG.  Making friends is so hard; I certainly don't know how to do it.  I want to boycott Thanksgiving just because the friends we were having it with aren't really our friends anymore.  Tday for 2 is a lot of work...
Parent - - By Arimathea [us] Date 2017-11-14 10:14 AM
It is very hard to make friends as a kid or as an adult. I've found getting involved in activities with other people (volunteering, church, etc.) helps. Working from home most emphatically does not help.

Have you and DH grown apart from the friends you were going to have TDay with, or was there a falling out?
Parent - - By tritri Date 2017-11-14 11:21 AM
I think it's that we consider them friends, but they don't consider us friends.  They are so busy with kids activities and we are not busy at all with any activities.  They run around taking kids to sports and barely have time to breathe.  I think they have a small group of friends from a long time ago, that they do things with when they have time.  We are not in this group, and I am not inclined to invite them to do stuff when the answer is always no.  (They don't find out Saturday schedule until Friday...)  Pretty much we were running with running friends and then we stopped running.  We were biking with biking friends and now we are not on biking teams anymore.  DH is, but they bike on week days at noon, so he doesn't bike with them.  Somehow, we didn't figure out how to move these people into friends we actually get together with.  And all of them have young kids, so we feel young, but are in the empty-nest group.  I haven't found a group of active empty-nesters who want to get together for dinner sometimes.
Parent - - By Mickey [us] Date 2017-11-14 11:37 AM
If it helps to have company, I feel out of place with all the parents of my kids' friends.

In general, I'm nearly 10+ years older than most of them & have a much different view on raising children.  They put kids in every available activity (t-ball/softball, soccer, dance, gymnastics, theater, math club, science club, 4h, scouts, church youth group, etc).  I limit my kids to either swimming or taekwondo at the rec center 1x per week, scouts, and youtube music lessons.  I just cannot be the hyper-scheduled family they seem to love being.

I think part of it is my own personality - I know I'm a nerd, and I don't fit in or watch common TV shows or go shopping or to the spa.
Parent - - By tritri Date 2017-11-14 11:43 AM
Yep; that pretty much defines it.  Nerds who like the outdoors...
Parent - - By Mickey [us] Date 2017-11-14 11:56 AM
Come live by meeeeee!  :grin:
Parent - By tritri Date 2017-11-14 12:20 PM
Parent - By Zipper [us] Date 2017-11-14 12:27 PM
Oh lawsy, yes, this. ^^
Parent - By Buggy [us] Date 2017-11-14 12:25 PM
I also fall into the out-of-sync category, as does my DH. The close friends I do have all live on the other side of our metro area, so I don't see them nearly as often as I'd like. :sad:
Parent - - By ironjen Date 2017-11-14 1:56 PM
In general, I'm nearly 10+ years older than most of them & have a much different view on raising children. 
OMG yes! I was sitting at Ian's dance class listening to the moms piss and moan about different things and how "old" they are and I'm all WTF people, I am 10+ yrs older than you AND an athlete, suck it up. It drives me nuts. Basically I have zero in common with 95% of them.
Parent - By Zipper [us] Date 2017-11-14 2:36 PM
^^ I felt this way in Virginia a lot. It was hard to find common ground with a lot of the moms out there.
Parent - By gophergirl [us] Date 2017-11-14 8:28 PM
This! I said something about planning a trip for my 40th and got looks like I was from another planet :roll: yet like you said I'm the one who is out running during dance and has no clue on the gossip!
Parent - - By reebs (chicken whisperer) Date 2017-11-14 12:07 PM
We have the empty-nest (or in our case, never had kids) issue too.  We made a lot of friends who are younger than us when we first settled in Seattle, now they are all having kids.  We can hang out with them, but mostly at their houses, and on kid-friendly schedules. We are happy to do this a lot of the time.  But we also want adult friends.  All the empty-nesters are 10 or so years older than us, and we haven't been able to work our way into a group of them. Most of them had kids that grew up together, so have that connection to each other.  It can be frustrating. MCF and I keep saying we need to find more people in their 40s who will never have kids.
Parent - - By tritri Date 2017-11-14 12:25 PM
Yes, my Mom says we are "out of sync", as we were empty-nesters in our early 40s.  So you could also find people who are already empty-nesters...
Parent - - By reebs (chicken whisperer) Date 2017-11-14 1:13 PM
We should be friends. Too bad we live in different cities!!
Parent - By tritri Date 2017-11-15 8:18 AM
Parent - - By spccer6 [us] Date 2017-11-14 12:24 PM
I can relate to the "don't know the kids schedule until late in the week".  Baseball kills us with that.

One of my very best friends in the whole wide world had a talk with me a couple of years ago.  She had kids 12 years before me, so her kids are older now.  She said very lovingly "you're about to enter a time where you won't have time for me.  I understand that, and I still love you.  Call me when your kids hit high school and you have time to breathe again."  It was such a lovely, loving thing for her to say to me.  I love her dearly, we keep in touch via Facebook and text, but the gift of removing the pressure to do things together was and is amazing.
Parent - By Buggy [us] Date 2017-11-14 12:27 PM

Friends like that are irreplaceable.
Parent - By Arimathea [us] Date 2017-11-14 12:38 PM
What a wonderful friend.

I mourn the loss of some friends who didn't have children when we did -- we fell out of touch and probably will never see each other again. That reassurance that it is normal for you to focus on your kids for a while and that she will be there when your schedule clears is such a gift for you.
Parent - - By classicsnerd [us] Date 2017-11-14 1:22 PM
oh, this is so true.  I'm quickly losing touch with my friends who don't have kids.  I try to get together with them when I can, but when I can is basically weekend mornings between 9:30 and 11:30.  That is not the favorite time for get-togethers for kid-less people in their early to mid 30s.   It is what it is and I'm making peace with it.  I do resent the implication that, at times, I should be "trying harder" to  make kid-free time for them.  I wish I could.  Oh, how I wish I could!

anyway.  It's hard on both sides - the kid side and the kid-less side.
Parent - - By reebs (chicken whisperer) Date 2017-11-14 1:29 PM
I feel that most of my friends "disappear" for the first year of each child's life, then come back after that. I've also learned that hosting my friends at their house is a good way to see them. I bring dinner, we hang out in a space the child is familiar with. I hold/play with the child as they go to the bathroom, or take 20 min to clean up, and we get to chat in an environment that works for them.  Not easy to suggest that to your child-free friends, but if you have a friend that is close enough, perhaps they could get in on this idea.
Parent - By spccer6 [us] Date 2017-11-14 3:06 PM
This is really awesome!
Parent - By kelly_v Date 2017-11-16 9:37 AM

>I do resent the implication that, at times, I should be "trying harder" to  make kid-free time for them.  I wish I could.  Oh, how I wish I could!

I feel that way right now with some friends. They are super accommodating with the fact that I do childcare on my own but I know they wish I could do stuff. And they really want to do a girls' trip next year and I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to but the reality is M probably can't handle watching B while I'm gone for a week so the reality is while I'd love to plan something with them I know I can't.
Parent - By tritri Date 2017-11-14 1:29 PM
:hug::hug:  What a wonderful friend!
Parent - - By Arimathea [us] Date 2017-11-14 12:46 PM

Sierra Club? Can you hike after the knee replacements?

My church has a "dinners for 8" program which groups people to get together for dinners, about once every other month, rotating homes. Not sure if this is an option for you.

How about Could you put a post up asking if people would like to get together? Is your neighborhood full of empty nesters or are you out of step with the demographics?
Parent - - By Mickey [us] Date 2017-11-14 1:22 PM
I am almost overwhelmed with my new neighborhood - they have pot lucks in summer, round robin dinners in winter (4-5 families go to one house for drinks, the next house for main meal, next house for dessert, and last house for digestif)  There will be a bunch of these going on the same night, so you see everyone all over the neighborhood. :shocker!:

This super-social group is going to be a massive adjustment compared to our former "wave as you pass by in the car" neighborhood.

Also, I second - my now retired former boss has a hiking group that he goes out with 3-5 times per week (and keeps trying to get me to skive out of work to join them).
Parent - By Zipper [us] Date 2017-11-14 2:37 PM
^^ This sounds really nice.
Parent - By Arimathea [us] Date 2017-11-14 4:54 PM
I wish my neighborhood would do that! I have tried to get people to do things and so far very little success, but when we do meet people they are nice. I am considering inviting groups over for dinner, I love entertaining.
Parent - By Mickey [us] Date 2017-11-14 11:02 AM
:sad:  the difference between "being friendly" and "having friends"
Parent - - By Arimathea [us] Date 2017-11-14 10:12 AM
My heart hurts for OG. It's tough to be the new kid as well as the weird kid. (BTDT, try going through school as the short kid with the British accent, the Coke bottle bottom glasses, not smart enough to downplay the smart, and always with nose in a book.)

No fellow scoutlettes in the new school?
Parent - - By Mickey [us] Date 2017-11-14 10:58 AM
There are scouts in the new school, but we have chosen to stay with the old troop, since I'm the troop leader.  While I have spoken with their troop leader, they have no interest in doing things with us, unlike 3rd school in the district who has joined us on some activities, already anticipating the middle-school merger when the three schools feed into one.

I think the scouts at this school just don't enjoy outdoor stuff - very few come to camp in summer, unlike our troop where almost every scout comes to camp.
Parent - By Arimathea [us] Date 2017-11-14 12:42 PM
Pity, that. I can certainly understand your wanting to stay with the old troop, but it's a shame the troop leader for OG's new school doesn't want to plan any joint activities. Planning ahead for middle school is very wise on your part and the third leader's part.

and my guess is that the girls in the new school are following their troop leader's example and not wanting to branch out beyond their comfort zone.

When OG goes to middle school, will she be back with the kids from the old school? Definitely keep in touch with the friends she has from the old school, especially if they are going to see her again in sixth grade.
Parent - By classicsnerd [us] Date 2017-11-14 12:50 PM
:hug::sad: That is so hard. 

I'm sure that many of us were the "nerdy" kids in school, and yeah.  It's great to be smart, but it sure doesn't make dealing with the nastiness of pre-teen antics any easier.  In fact, it's harder.  Easy target, jealousy, teacher's pet, blah blah blah.
Parent - By Gunna [is] Date 2017-11-15 10:07 AM
:hug::hug: I had gone to 4 different schools by the time I was 11 so I know how that feels. It's so hard, but she will find a friend eventually although it's probably hard for her to believe that right now.
Parent - - By newfmrs Date 2017-11-15 11:26 AM
Mickey have you ever considered occupational therapy for OG?  I only ask because of what I've been seeing lately.  An OT could work to help her in social situations and making friends.  I'm not sure on yoru insurance but ours approved it with a doctor's rx without my son having a diagnosis.  I have overheard parents/children/therapists talking about things (I want to let you know that therapists have asked me if ok to discuss in open or want to go into private setting).  There are groups of kids that meet regularly to work through things, scenarios, etc.  One girl would talk to the therapist about appropriate topics for school projects, etc.  Sometimes hearing it from someone other than a parent can make a difference.  Just like some children might need a tutor, there are professionals out there to help with social skills. 

I think I remember you saying once maybe OG was a bit on the hyper side (maybe I'm confusing you because it was a child around DD2's age who is 8 that I talked on the forum about it before) and OT could help there as well.  But if she is impulsive with words or actions I could see a huge benefit to an OT. 

The one girl's video was something along the lines of considering if doing another video presentation on Justin Beiber (or someone like that) was the best choice.  The mom was telling the therapist how she also tried to encourage a different topic and it didn't work.

Just an idea.  I was the smart kid in school too but because I was also athletic so I fit into multiple groups.  So the athletic "friends" didn't know I was president of the science club.  Seriously.  I also had someone at graduation say OMG you were in band (I played a solo part during graduation) :shocker!:.  Um yes since 4th grade.  I will say I was labeled quirky by multiple peers so yeah I understand the quirky part and hearing that about myself.
Parent - - By Mickey [us] Date 2017-11-15 12:32 PM
her neropsych has not suggested OT, they had some weird counseling thing that she did not get much out of (she sits with therapist & colors pictures, then makes a behavior star chart for mom&dad to coach/etc)  The best we've gotten was from the school counselor who set up a group of girls to have weekly lunch discussions and roleplay friendship things.

Being rural, we sometimes get really weird advice - like the vitamin supplement/oriental health/chiropractor that suggested a different diet from her line of products, and multiple-day-per-week visits to her practice for chiropractic treatments.  (this was a local lady that advertised through the school :wtf:).  I'm highly skeptical.

I'll ask about OT in a few weeks at her next appointment.
Parent - - By newfmrs Date 2017-11-15 3:14 PM
DD2's suggested bio neurofeedback but I'm guessing teh wouldn't help w/ social things.  OT has been suggested in the past as well.  Her regular ped might be able to give you a referral as well.  Something to maybe even research on your own and think about it.  Not sure we have any OTs on the forum, my cousin is an OT so I had some preexisting knowledge about it anyway.  They can often help give some good ideas for parents as well (and help for 504/IEP input if that's needed).  DS2's therapist recommended the American Girl books about girl things (how stand up for self, respond to bullies, etc.)
Parent - By Mickey [us] Date 2017-11-15 9:52 PM
We do have some of the AG books... I'll look for others
Parent - - By Zipper [us] Date 2017-11-14 10:03 AM
This is some first-world, top of Maslow's hierarchy stuff here, but...I have been struggling lately with trying to figure out what I like to do.

Yeah, I like to run. And I like to smite. But I got so tremendously burnt out before moving out to Colorado and punching the "reset" button on my life that it feels like I am not passionately interested in anything anymore. Like, on one level I am afraid to commit to anything, because I am afraid of getting sucked in to putting energy I don't have into a pursuit (the burn-out makes me fear getting burned out again, if that makes sense); I also feel kind of empty, like I don't care. I used to care intensely about a lot of things, and now I sort of have a blank.

I would LIKE to care intensely about something and have the fun of being super-interested in mastering something new again, but I don't even know where to start to find that.

Not looking for solutions here, because I think I need to come up with my own. Just musing and mentioning I am sort of on a quest now to rediscover what I enjoy.
Parent - By Arimathea [us] Date 2017-11-14 10:18 AM
If you are not sure what you want to do, perhaps try short-term things with no long term commitment. I'm guessing there's a Parks & Rec department where you live, they often have short term classes for adults. Find a project with an end date and get involved in that. Volunteer to teach an adult to read or to prep for the GRE, or volunteer at a winter shelter. Could you use your healthcare qualifications to do some work also?

Sorry, you said you weren't looking for solutions. Feel free to say "nah" to everything above. Good luck on your quest.
Parent - - By tritri Date 2017-11-14 11:28 AM
I feel the same way.  Part of this is not being able to do what I want and love to do.  Like I have to limit everything so I don't overdo it; so it takes less time and energy.  I keep thinking of things and then I am too tired or don't really want to do that thing.  My sister got into baking bread and mastered that.  Then she made soap for a while.  These don't interest me much (I don't use bar soap, I don't eat much bread). I saw someone on here's quilt and loved it; then wanted to make quilts for my cousin's kids he left behind when he committed suicide, and some for my nephew's brother, but I don't really like to sew and pretty much refuse to sew for years...  :roll:  I think we need a list of hobbies to choose from. 

I'm taking off next W-F for Tday; do you want to do a short hike in that flat place I was telling you about?  I can do 3 miles's a start.
Parent - - By Zipper [us] Date 2017-11-14 12:35 PM sounds like we are in a similar head space. I will think up something I want to do and then kind of shy away from it, because it's too much trouble by the time I get started, and if I am honest with myself, I get scared. I am terrified of being sucked into something that I maybe isn't fun, or that makes me tired. There is still a lot of mental and emotional recovery going on for me, although I think the physical recovery is pretty much accomplished. But I admit to feeling panicky at times about committing to doing things.

That said, I'd love to go for a hike! Castlewood canyon, right? And three miles...yay!!
Parent - - By Buggy [us] Date 2017-11-14 12:48 PM
I am terrified of being sucked into something that I maybe isn't fun, or that makes me tired.

It's OK start something and then stop. That doesn't make you a failure.
Parent - By Zipper [us] Date 2017-11-14 1:06 PM
This is true. Thank you for the common sense. :hug:
Parent - - By spccer6 [us] Date 2017-11-14 12:49 PM
I wish there was something like summer camp for adults - something in the evenings/weekends where I could try new things without having to commit to buying equipment/materials.
Parent - By Zipper [us] Date 2017-11-14 1:06 PM
Omg. Brilliant! That would be brilliant!
Parent - - By Mickey [us] Date 2017-11-14 1:28 PM
There are things like that!   (I've done a backpacking trip with them, there may be a BOW group in your state)

Also, check with the YMCA and local Extension offices, they may have retreats...
Parent - - By tritri Date 2017-11-14 1:43 PM
Hmm, I grew up doing Archery, target practice and also canoeing.  I would love to do those again.  DS left his compound bow; I just need a hay bale and I should be able to do some target practice with the bow.  :happy:
Parent - By Mickey [us] Date 2017-11-14 1:49 PM
I've planned, and cancelled :-( , the winter BOW class for 3 years now, once due to school conflicts, once for SO's work travel :meh:, and once for a scoutlette commitment.  I really really want to go next February.
Parent - By Zipper [us] Date 2017-11-14 2:38 PM
The smiting group does a LOT of archery, if you are ever interested in joining us sometime. Most outdoor events have archery tourneys and specialty shoots. :happy:
Parent - - By spccer6 [us] Date 2017-11-14 4:17 PM
GA does have BOW!  And I just missed it!  Thanks for the tip though; I signed up for notifications for next year.
Parent - By Mickey [us] Date 2017-11-14 4:38 PM
There are all kinds of trips, too... Iceland, Baja... :cool:
Parent - - By Buggy [us] Date 2017-11-14 12:45 PM
:hug: I think there's a lot to think about here. First off, it's OK to not be passionately involved in something at all times. Too often we make our self worth about what we do, not who we are. If you are at a point where you need some downtime, so to speak, it's not because you aren't a passionate or interesting or giving individual. We can't be on that intense passionate high all the time - *that* is what causes burnout. The valleys of a "normal" high and low pattern will keep you from burning out in the long run, and serve to refresh and recharge you for the next high. It also allows us to fully enjoy the next high when it comes.

Another thing to consider ... for many years you were in an unhappy personal situation. Do you think part of the passionate amount of energy you were putting into your interests/pursuits was to escape the unhappy parts of your life? Is what you are looking for based on your past a healthy and sustainable level of intensity? 

As for finding something new, I am a firm believer that you can't force it. Get out there and live your life. Try new things. When the next pursuit comes along you will know it, but don't drive yourself crazy in the seeking process. As they say, life is in the journey, not the destination. :happy:

Just a couple of thoughts ... feel free to disregard if I'm way off base. :hug:
Parent - By classicsnerd [us] Date 2017-11-14 12:51 PM
this is some sage advice. :hug:
Parent - - By Zipper [us] Date 2017-11-14 1:04 PM
Actually, I think you are spot on, Buggy. Yes, part of the question is "how do I define myself?" because for a long time, I have defined myself by what I do. Right now, I'm "just" a housewife with a bum knee. So there is a little shame there, in feeling somehow like I'm not accomplishing enough right now. But yeah, I've been on an insane, crazy, challenging, high-intensity surge since I was about 15, or some 32 years now. I thought that was just who I was, but yep, you are right again: some of the intensity was a way to escape or distract myself from a shitty home life and then shitty marriage.

I no longer have to put that amount of intensity into distancing myself from the reality of a bad relationship. And when you build a whole life around resisting something, and then you don't need to resist sort of puts you in free fall. I don't have anything to push against, and instead need to learn to embrace what I have. The change in circumstance is huge.

Now, that said: the hobbies I have followed I once genuinely enjoyed. I rather think that enjoyment will come back with time. l may also eventually discover other things I love. But I don't think I'll encounter anything new or noteworthy sitting on my ass here at home most of the time. I feel I need to start getting out and interacting more, if I can stand it. It's just getting started. I am working on that.

BTW, the thing I have enjoyed most this fall was snorkeling in Kauai. The underwater world was absolutely magic. I'd do more of that if I could. And I want to see Yellowstone. T-bone and I have already booked some travel for 2018. :hug:
Parent - - By tritri Date 2017-11-14 1:37 PM
If you love snorkeling, you may love scuba diving as well.  To me, it was like a game of hide and seek; looking for creatures that are hiding.  But CO is not the best place to love scuba diving...  Where is that Ocean???!
Parent - By Zipper [us] Date 2017-11-14 2:41 PM
I have considered scuba; they have certification classes in Colorado Springs. Might be fun to talk T-bone into doing that. He swims and snorkels really well, I was happy to discover during our honeymoon. :happy:
Parent - By Arimathea [us] Date 2017-11-14 4:57 PM
Ooh yes on seeing Yellowstone. I think every American should go there. Stop in and see the WYONan family if possible too!

And considering where you are, might I suggest Dinosaur National Monument, up where Utah and Colorado come together just below Wyoming? DD and I would love to go back at some point.
Parent - - By skigirl Date 2017-11-14 1:44 PM
Lots of good advice here.  :hug:  Also, I notice now that I am 48 that I am really changing - I've had several experiences over the past few months bringing home to me that I am not quite the same person I was last year or several years ago.  I think you are the same age as me, Zipper, or pretty close anyway, and you've had a lot of transformative experiences in the last couple of years, so you may just need more time to settle into who you are *now*.
Parent - - By tritri Date 2017-11-14 2:10 PM
I, too, have noticed that DH and I are not as driven to overdo it so much in the last few years.  Maybe that is part of getting older.  :wtf:
Parent - By Zipper [us] Date 2017-11-14 2:44 PM
I don't know, but it sounds plausible.
Parent - - By ironjen Date 2017-11-14 2:05 PM
How much of your super-interest and giving of 110% to activities was a way of avoiding the problems and issues you had with XH? I know I personally avoid the biggest issue my husband and I have by working out out long hours because our issue isn't something that is actually resolvable unless I divorce him (ie my MIL). I make sure I have long rides/runs when she is here, though it helps that I love doing them. Anyway, so now that you don't have that relationship hanging over your head and are happy, you feel like you have an empty spot because you used so much time doing those things to avoid him? Does that make sense?
Parent - - By Zipper [us] Date 2017-11-14 2:43 PM Edited 2017-11-14 2:46 PM
Totally makes sense, and I think you are spot on. Also, XH wouldn't do activities WITH me, so I dove into doing them by myself. So I was indulging myself in what I liked AND avoiding XH AND wearing myself out to the point where I cared a lot less about the issues with XH.
Parent - - By Arimathea [us] Date 2017-11-14 4:58 PM
Amen to that. When you have a spouse who doesn't want to do anything, you do it by yourself which is also a way of avoiding being with him and a way to sublimate the frustrated energy. If I hadn't had running and teaching I'd have gone mad.
Parent - By Zipper [us] Date 2017-11-14 6:50 PM
Yes. So much empathy, A.
Parent - By ironjen Date 2017-11-15 8:47 AM
I really think as you settle further into your new life, you will find your way :hug:
Parent - - By reebs (chicken whisperer) Date 2017-11-14 1:25 PM
Back at work after a great vacation.  Had a lot of fun with MCF.  We flew to LAX rented a van from Escape Campervans. Then we headed up the coast- Malibu and Santa Barbara.  Then out to Joshua Tree, and back around to Carlsbad, where my aunt lives. The whole trip was a lot of fun (other than the traffic between Santa Barbara and Joshua Tree). The camper van basically had a full size bed in it and a little kitchen- 2 burner stove, fridge that fits a case of beer, and a pump sink with 5 gallons of water. Because we had the bed in the van, we could "camp" anywhere that overnight parking was legal. So in Malibu we just parked on a residential street. And in Santa Barbara we parked by the beach. I got to swim in the ocean. And we did a lot of hiking in Joshua Tree. I've decided that Joshua Tree is about as different of a landscape as one can get from Seattle.

It was also great to see my aunt.  She has Parkinsons and is fairly far along in the progression.  She is still cognitively very sharp, but physically struggles.  She has an AWESOME care giver who is there 3-8 hour days and 3-4 hour days a week. MCF and I took her to the Museum of the History of Music, which was a great museum and we had a lot of fun. Additionally, my cousin and her spouse live with my aunt, to help with care giving. And two of her daughters (in their 20's) have boomeranged back, so they were there. One with a boyfriend, and the other with two friends from college.  Then, the night before we left, my Aunt's grandson on the other side and his wife came for a few nights. It was a lot of people, and also very lovely.  Luckily, they have a HUGE house, and luckily, we had brought our own bed. :laugh:

I got to swim in the ocean, hike in the desert, swim in my Aunt's pool, and have ice cream 5 times in 9 days (it is hard to keep ice cream solid in Joshua Tree, or there would have been more!).  Not a bad vacation!
Parent - By Zipper [us] Date 2017-11-14 1:36 PM
That sounds like a wonderful trip overall.
Parent - By skigirl Date 2017-11-14 1:42 PM
Wow, that all sounds amazing!
Parent - By tritri Date 2017-11-14 3:39 PM
Wow!  That sounds amazing!
Parent - By Arimathea [us] Date 2017-11-14 4:59 PM
Hope you waved as you went by us on the way from Santa Barbara to Joshua Tree! Nice vacation.
Parent - - By skigirl Date 2017-11-14 1:41 PM
Lively thread today! 

I have a question about a situation that cropped up this morning.  I was walking to work, and coming towards me on the sidewalk was a guy walking in the middle of the sidewalk with a dog leash in each hand, each with a fairly large dog attached.  The dogs were walking sort of on the sidewalk, sort beside the sidewalk, so between the man and two dogs, the sidewalk was entirely blocked.  He kept coming towards me, and coming towards me, and it became evident he had no intention of pulling off to the side or pulling the dogs to one side to allow room for me to pass on the sidewalk.

One option for me would have been to step off the sidewalk and stand in several inches of snow until he passed by.  But I am in a phase of life right now where I am starting to resent automatically making space for other people.  I am just. so. tired. of being the one who steps aside so that other people can do whatever they want.  So I just kept walking ahead, and finally stopped when the guy was just a few inches away from me, with a dog on either side of me.  He had to stop and move around me and rearrange leashes, etc.  All this was done without either of us speaking to each other at all. 

I realized later that although it had been extremely satisfying to refuse to step off and make space for this guy, I had also put myself in a potentially very dangerous position by putting myself a) so close to a total stranger and b) in between this guy and his dogs.  It could really have gone badly if the guy or the dogs (or both) had freaked out.

Any thoughts on what I could/should have done in a situation like this?  I figure the group which introduced me to the F-Off Fairy would have some good advice!
Parent - - By reebs (chicken whisperer) Date 2017-11-14 1:51 PM
I am with you on the tired of automatically making space for other people thing. Both physically and emotionally. I've been experimenting with not yielding to men on the street, and it is AMAZING how many of them will actually bump shoulders with me because they expect me to yield.  I've also played with "manspreading" on transit. That is fun!

As for that situation, I probably would have called out "control your dogs" or something like that when 8-10 feet away if it was clear he wasn't moving.  Were they extension leashes? Those things are SO dangerous!! Or were they regular 6-foot strong leashes?  And you were only in a dangerous situation with the human if there were no other people on the street, the dogs, however, are likely less predictable.
Parent - By skigirl Date 2017-11-14 2:10 PM
Oh, manspreading! :mutmad:  I had a ten-hour Calgary-Frankfurt flight in September with a guy squished up against me.  I refused to shrink down to give him even more space, despite the fact that I hate touching other people.  Yes, I get that the middle seat (where he was seated) doesn't offer a ton of space, but that didn't excuse the amount of spreadage that he clearly felt was acceptable.  :mutmad:

That's a good suggestion, of calling something out.  No, just regular leashes (I hate extendi-leashes with a passion - what purpose do they serve?). 

Parent - - By tritri Date 2017-11-14 2:08 PM
I would have said "Excuse Me!" when he was about 8-10 feet away, depending on the leash extension.  Stop walking and say "Excuse me"and wait for him to get the dogs under control.  On a bike, I say "Hey!" or "Heads up!" when people are coming towards me but not looking (usually on the wrong side of the path).  It avoids a too-close situation.
Parent - - By skigirl Date 2017-11-14 2:12 PM
Thanks, that's good advice.  Makes it clear i'm not going to move, but gives him time to adjust.

I'm still growing in to my new skin - I'm more assertive and better at boundaries than I ever have been, but I'm not yet used to being that way.  It's an interesting feeling - like having new skin grow back after a burn: the skin is sensitive to the touch and yet the fact that it's there is a sign of growth and healing.
Parent - By Zipper [us] Date 2017-11-14 2:51 PM
^^ Good description!
Parent - - By Zipper [us] Date 2017-11-14 2:50 PM
I'd have done something like the "heads up", I think. Gives a little notice and injects a little space into the other person's decision-making.

I don't automatically assume people are jerks out to run me over, but like reebs, I have also gotten SO SICK of being expected to yield in situations like this. I have had men full-on collide with me on the sidewalk because they expected me to swerve, and I didn't. Unconscious attitude of entitlement, and I don't mind doing a linebacker-style bounce against someone if I am feeling ornery. : pbbt:
Parent - By skigirl Date 2017-11-14 6:35 PM
Yeah, that's it - I'm so tired of people assuming that I'm the one who will get out of the way.  On the sidewalk, and in so many other parts of my life.  I am tired of being the person who bends to make someone else's life easier.
Parent - - By SRoo Date 2017-11-14 8:08 PM
Except why should she have to say "excuse me"?  That implies that she is in the wrong.  Is there some other word, like "hey" or "hello"?
Parent - - By tritri Date 2017-11-15 8:25 AM
I've always said Excuse Me as a polite way to inform someone they are in my way and to get them to move.  I thought that it was common, so I looked it up.  Etiquette  confirms the many uses of saying this.
Parent - By skigirl Date 2017-11-15 8:36 AM

> they are in my way and to get them to move

That's exactly what I need.  Once again, the forum teaches me all I need to know.  :cool:
Parent - - By reebs (chicken whisperer) Date 2017-11-14 4:53 PM
Oh, and in the "working out pays off" chronicles-- for our trip MCF and I each had a backpack then a shared larger suitcase.  The van place suggested we do soft-sided luggage to make storage easier. So it was a large OLD suitcase from the pre-wheeled luggage days.  It weighed about 40 pounds.  After picking it up at baggage claim last night, MCF carried it for about 5 min, then said it was time to trade off.  I heaved the damn thing up on my shoulder and carried it the rest of the way to the light rail station. :cool: I think his ego was a little damaged. :shocker!: The advice on soft-sided luggage ended up being not great, we would have done fine with two roller bags, space was not that tight with just the two of us. AND the hold of the van was musty, so EVERYTHING in that bag now needs to be washed!
Parent - By Arimathea [us] Date 2017-11-14 5:01 PM
:laugh: on heaving the thing up on your shoulder and carrying it. Good for you.
Parent - By BoredTemp [us] Date 2017-11-14 6:25 PM
Holy Heck!  :shocker!:

I will now go hide my head in shame for complaining about carrying my daughter's 15 pound backpack to and from school for her (only a mile). :blush:

no seriously - 40 pounds.   Dang!  :cool:
Parent - By skigirl Date 2017-11-14 6:35 PM
Parent - By tritri Date 2017-11-14 7:28 PM
Parent - - By swandive Date 2017-11-14 6:58 PM
Nice thread. :grin:  Sorry that I haven't been able to participate, but I'm tired.  We left A's house at 2:45 this morning and didn't get back until 4:15 this afternoon. :meh:  I was at her house until 5, then it took another 1:20 to get home.  I'm getting too old to keep going that long on two hours of sleep.
Parent - By tritri Date 2017-11-14 7:29 PM
Parent - By Arimathea [us] Date 2017-11-14 11:04 PM
Hope you are now enjoying some well earned zzzzzs.
Up Topic Communities / Women / Tired Tuesday NRR

Powered by mwForum © 1999-2015 Markus Wichitill