This pregnancy is certainly rough on our marriage....
we had a rough fight last night in the middle of the night (always a good time to argue, right?!). I don't want to get into details but I wasn't impressed with DH's behavior since E was in the room with us.
Besides talking about what the issue was/is, we also need to discuss the issue of how he might be affected by how we fight/argue in front of him!
2017-11-15 11:13 AM
Congrats on yoru pregnancy! I had to take a forum hiatus but am back, at least for today.
Ok, so here are my thoughts on a second child (or first for that matter) and of course it is only one individual's perspective. I honestly believe that having your first child will show you what your spouse's true nature is and what your spouse feels is his/her role in raising/caring for a child. I've been on the end where basically I am expected to make all sacrifices and the other person's life essentially remains unchanged. Soooo I think the first child will give you good insight of what to expect. You will be in teh same boat as me w/ two relatively close together. It is harder, much harder than a bigger gap. I've done both and can pretty firmly say that's the case. With your second baby, you will have the extra weight of keeping both safe (like your first isn't grabbing the knife from the table that you had to get up from beause baby started crying, etc) including safe from one another because a toddler doesn't get the safety issues like say a 5YO might. IMO, the biggest change is it is likely you will both have to be ON all the time. You will likely divide and conquer. Your DH will probably take the oldest, you the youngest (if you are nursing) as the responsible party if that makes sense. It is very hard to care for both and take the same individual breaks. I say that like a few hours alone so the spouse can have some me time is much, much harder with a toddler and infant. You will be more exhausted, you will have less alone/free time, you will have less couple time. I always found it the worst that one child would cry and wake the other and suddenly there are two crying kids. That sucked the most during DH's deployment. Prior to that I'd take one baby and he'd take the other. With the age gap the sleep schedules will likely look different. There will be stages where one will sleep, then the next, and you try to keep the other one quiet. My advice is to discuss this all in advance. Discuss that you know that you will both be short with each other at times due to being overly tired, etc. Also know that it won't last forever. I feel like it has to be understood that the relationshiop will be a bit on the back burner until you can get yoru head above water. I strongly believe if you both understand that, it won't destroy your marriage and you know and trust the other partner will be there for you when things calm down a bit. If it helps, make up a general chore list. I also suggest you lower those standards a bit. For instance, I used to weekly clean bathrooms, maybe drop that down to every 2-3 weeks (or just toilet weekly and rest less infrequently.) I feel like if you agree to some things, it is harder to resent the other person because you came up with the division of things together and jointly. It doesn't mean the list can't be adjusted once you find out making dinner takes twice as long as expected. Be flexible as well. DH needs exercise more than I do for mental sanity. He knew he might just suddently be given the green light to go out on a run on short notice. Not perfect but it also helped keep things happier on the home front. It can be hard to say ok your run time is every other day from 6-645 AM and the baby was up all night with you nursing and you need that 45 minutes rest more than he needs his run, etc. Much easier on the marriage if you feel completely in it together and you aren't trying to keep score and you both recognize that even if you loosely agreed to things, some days/nights are harder and you have to adjust. With our schedule we didn't say bathrooms are done on Sat for example, it was more that it would be completed during the week and the partner responsible could schedule it in as possible. Of course, maybe it's better for you two to have a firmer schedule.
BTW, this is coming from someone who has literally zero family help. It is all us/24 hours a day. It is even harder with DS1's special needs/appointments. DH & I would like to have alone time every month but it's hard to find a sitter for DS1. A lady who is a teacher (has her master's in teaching) couldn't handle my son. DH & I know it'll have to wait a bit longer for things. Not ideal, but we both know sometimes this is the situation and we both want what's best for our child.