Maybe it will help to write it all out.
Went home this weekend. Since my mom died, I've been trying to get home every two months or so mainly to check in on my older brother who is high functioning, but mentally disabled. I call him every two weeks to check in. He lives independently but doesn't drive or anything. All the stuff he needs is in walking distance from his apartment but he is somewhat isolated. He's okay is long as his routine is not changed much. The rest of my family live in my hometown with him. Younger brother, sil, nephew and niece. None of them see him or reach out to him in any way until I am home. They live within a few miles. I don't fucking get it. Why can they not have him over or take him out once a month? Is that too much to ask? My younger brother talks a good game. Made him all these promises about being there more for him after my mom died. I also assured him I would come home and check in more often. And I have done that. He pushes back a little.. "You don't need to call".. he did that at first and I told him I wanted to talk to him and now he seems good with it.
I called my younger brother on his lack of contact at the end of my visit. I approached it by saying I didn't understand why he couldn't make an effort once a month to see him or do something with him. They have cats and he likes cats and enjoys spending time at their house. He did this weekend and I could tell he liked it. I am not asking for much I don't think. And it's not like my younger brother is too busy. He said he tried calling my brother at first but my brother told him he didn't have to call. As I mentioned, he did the same thing with me. Part of this is due to how he is conditioned by past practices. You just have to kind of lead him tho and he's fine. Any my younger brother knows this but seems to look for a easy excuse to not have to do anything. It is so fucking frustrating and I know I am wasting my time saying anything because it will not change. I just felt like I had to say something after 1.5 years of this since my mom died.
Maybe I should approach things differently when I go home and instead of making an effort to see everyone, just focus on my older brother. The fucking road only goes one way to my hometown. They have never been here in 20+years.
I gave my niece my mom's car when she died. I did it knowing she would likely fuck things up. A second chance thing. She had totaled her new car a few months prior. Of course, last summer she got a dwi. I am glad she was caught. She has a device in the car now that checks her sobriety. I guess she hardly ever drives which is likely for the best. I knew earlier this summer she broke her knee cap. I found out how this weekend. She was wasted and fell. So she's been out of work for two months. She will be 27 in a couple of weeks. Lives at home. She is sweet but lies a lot like my younger brother. I feel like a fool giving her that car. Picturing this breathalyzer in my mom's car..My brother talked breezily about how they might sell it since my niece doesn't use it. Thing is, it would cost a lot to have the device removed and they would still have to pay some kind of monthly fee as a part of the whole dwi charge for another year I think.. I don't know if anyone is acknowledging she clearly has a problem. She apparently has to go to classes. But she drinks and did when we were out for dinner.
It was a good weekend (I know it may not sound that way) and I did truly enjoy seeing my family but I feel like if I continue to just kind of go along with this pattern, it's not honest. There's this stuff under the surface that is ignored. Like I've been thinking, I don't want to treat everyone to dinner like I often do when my niece is drinking (even tho she's not driving) and my brother also has more beers than anyone should before driving. So, should I just tell them ahead of time before I go home next that I will pick up the tab for myself and my older brother. I don't feel like enabling their crap anymore. I've been stewing on this since I got home yesterday and have been having a hard time sleeping..
I had thought about telling them about the heart stuff that went on with me last month but eff that too. If they don't give a crap about what is going on with my older brother there seems no point in mentioning some serious stuff that happened with me.
I'm really grateful to my friends that helped me with some things during that issue and stepped up in a way my "family" never would.